One of my… well okay I’ll be honest the guy isn’t really my friend… but he came to me once to talk about his “lady troubles.” We’ll call this guy “Ted” for the sake of me not having to keep coming up with different pronouns before I get fed up with this entire post. So “Ted” (who will no longer have quotations) came to me with his troubles and he was talking about all these different women he was dating and how once they got around to week three Ted would get the infamous “let’s just be friends” speech.

Now everyone hates that speech. It always about how its not YOU it’s them. Truth is it’s actually you, and the person is just not into your chili. Maybe they don’t even like chili. Maybe they had a bad case of indigestion because of the Chili, but the point is you aren’t the chili they are looking for. It’s fine, it sucks, its just a fact of life. Poor Ted had gone about six months with pretty much getting this speech from many, many different women. Of course Ted darling jumped all over the women, placing the blame on them for not being into his specific brand of Chili. Thankfully he never specifically went after my… Chili… (because I’m pretty sure I’m not chili, maybe some german dish but that is neither here nor there). After listening to his grievances I came to one inevitable conclusion:

Dude, you are an asshole.

The reason I know this without a doubt is that two of my friends were people who were trying to date Ted. Ted would immediately tell them on dates that they can purchase whatever they want, cause dude he can afford it. Which is nice, but its bragging. You want someone to like you on your own merit not because of money. Which Ted would then lord over their head. Ted, bless his heart, was not a nice guy at the time. Not a real one. Especially because the way he talked about the women was that they basically owed him a relationship because he bought them dinner. Listening to how he spoke to the women he was attempting to date it was really like Vietnam flashbacks to when I talk to my mother. Where you going with your life? What are you doing? Are you really going to wear that out of the house? Now imagine that being the guy who wants to be in a relationship with you. Creepy, am I right? No one wants creepy controlling mother chili.

Being a good guy gets you a relationship, being an asshole leaves you with uneaten chili.

I’m sure we all learned something from this. Ted did not appreciate me calling him an asshole, and maybe with a bit of a temperature adjustment maybe someone would like what he’s cooking. He has however made his chili a little more mild than it was before, and hopefully that helps.

Personally, I like some good sushi, or an english muffin. Every now and then an irish boxty. International flavors? What can I say? 😛